What to do?

Okay, it's been a long time since a last posted a post. As i said, this is the place for me to express feelings with no boundaries. Well, she told me she still loves me even after we broke up. But she doesn't to fine back? that's weird but it's okay i guess. i've tried to ignore her for whole day but somehow, either i will message her myself or she will message me. I constantly ask myself, what's my feelings on her now? My mind is getting more and more confused as the days go by. I do not know what to do right now. I've tried literally everything. I've tried the silent treatment, I've tried to be cold to her just like what she has asked me to, I've tried the caring method. But, none of them is working. Maybe she's just lying to me? Maybe she's just feeling guilty? Another thing is, i felt that she's constantly jealous about everything. Even my long lost ex? Erm, her jealousy also showed me her feelings towards me i guess. She's been talking about the key to her heart since the day we broke up, so here's the situation. There's another guy from PFS, currently 18 or 19 I'm not sure who is chasing her too. I felt that he's a big threat. He always asks her out with him. Which worries me a lot. He's always messaging her. More then i do sometimes even when we're together. She refuses to tell him about our relationship? Or maybe she's cheating on me? Nah, i don't think she will do that. She's not that kind of a person. Haiz, what to do?

This song is called "Happy Birthday" by Yangjie.

Don't know what to say,
except i love you,
Don't know what to do,
if there's a thing or you,
Don't know what to say,
when i'm feeling grey,
Don't know what to give,
but happy birthday.

I said happy birthday to you bii,
sometimes i dont know what's your feelings to me,
But i know bii you must love me,
No matter what's the phase,
just happy birthday.

I dont want another girl,
to tell my feelings to.
I dont want another day,
to tell you happy birthday,
I dont want another girl,
to tell my feelings to.
I dont want another day,
to tell you happy birthday.

This is a song i wrote for her when we're still together. Although her birthday is still 2 months away, but i've planed everything for her. I have high hopes on our relationship, but it never turn out the way i hope. Well, it's all over now.

I miss her.

First of all, i would like to apologize for my essay like posts. Okay, she's taking her nap now, I miss her very much. I would like to call her to wake up but that would have just been Selfish. Speaking of selfish, she once told me i'm selfish by wanting her all by myself. I guess i am being selfish am i. I want to see her every single day. All these posts aren't working, they're suppose to touch her heart but they have never done that. What's the problem huh? My poor vocabularies? I am not good at explaining things? Or is it that she just doesn't care about these huh. I am confused, I am very confused. Sometimes I felt like she likes me, sometimes she doesn't. All these issues are bouncing in my mind every single day with no direction. I am a protective guy, but she doesn't like people who are "Over" protective over some minor issues. So, i have been really relaxed and cool with everything she has done in the past couple days. Hope she realises that. Well, she's going to the beach tomorrow, with a form 6 guy apparently. I am not worried about her flirting with him. Instead, I am worried about her safety. It's dangerous to me. The beach alone is dangerous. Some one could get drowned and supernatural stuff could happen, just like the movies. Another worst case scenario is she maybe will be hurt or you know what by him. I am not making assumptions , i am not judging him.I am just worried. Who knows what will his true face be? One more thing, she said she doesn't know who will they be joining. She just said "his friends". That worries me more actually. Its already dangerous to visit the beach without adult's supervision and now joining up with strangers? That's just taking risks. This has worried me whole day and it will not stop until she's back from the outing. Oh ya, another thing is I am not going to be in Penang for the next couple of days. That adds up to the risks she's taking as i am not going to be there for her when she needs me. My advise, do not go. Maybe some other time when everything is at it's best condition. Okay? Please, listen to me. She loves the beach, I understand how excited for her to go to the beach. But, some other time okay? Please. If you really want to go, you may. But, make sure everything is clear and constantly message me to inform me your status alright? Thanks. I trust you that you will make the correct decision. I love you Xl.


Love,
Yangjie.

Something for her.

Hellogoodbye-Here in your arms.

I like,
Where we are,
When we drive,
In your car.
I like,
Where we are,
Here.

Cause our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Our lips can touch,
Here.

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

I like,
Where you sleep,
When you sleep,
Next to me.
I like,
Where you sleep,
Here.

Our lips,
Can touch.
And our cheeks,
Can brush.
Cause our lips can touch,
Here.

Where you are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Our lips can touch.
Our lips can touch,
Here.

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite terribly."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your...

You are the one, the one,
That lies close to me.
Whispers, "Hello,
I've missed you quite, miss you quite..."
I fell in love, in love,
With you suddenly.
Now theres no place else,
I could be, but,
Here in your arms.

Here in your arms.
Oh, here in your... arms.



There's something i would like to dedicate to her. I really hope i can hug you to sleep every single night. Each time i close my eyes, i would think back your smiles, that makes me smile too. Today, woke up at 5.30 and called her to wake up. Then i fell asleep again, woke up at 8. And she's in school already. I had a great time today. But her ignorance towards me is killing me sometimes. She's scared of rumors, she doesn't want other people to know our stuff, so do i. My blog is not popular so i don't mind posting things about it. Today, I finally learnt something. I learnt to trust her. Her actions today is convincing that she will not flirt with guys. She behaves properly and she knows how to keep a distant between her and other else people. I was kinda angry at first cause she ignored me. But, after a while i started to think, this may be her last Guides activity, so I should loosen up a little bit to make her feel comfortable. I've looked at her for hours today and i found out she seldom look at me, but that's okay. I don't mind. I was sitting at the side while she was dancing with her friends. The smile on her face, just makes me smile. Now, i realize what is true love and how much i love/appreciate her. Well, i can see that there's one guy from my school likes her too. He asked for her email and did a bunch of stuff for her with immediate efficiency. That's obvious. But i trust her that she will not like him back. Xl, hope that now with my trust, you can be more comfortable when you're with me. Hope this will help in building our relationship strongly. I love you Xl.


Love,
Yangjie.

ILY.

I Love You, there's not doubt. Seriously, you're the one i love the most. No one can compare to you. You're like the sunshine of my life. I feel comfortable when i'm with you. I feel sweet whenever im with you. I know i'm an idiot, who cries every time when you ignore my calls or messages. I know i have annoyed you sometimes, sorry. I've never done anything wrong so far, I never do anything that you have warned me not to. Im doing the best that i can, to impress you, to cheer you up, to accompany you when you're feeling sorrow, to be there with you together to get through obstacles of life which make us grow together. Sometimes, I just feel that im a bad tempered, FAT, fucking ugly, annoying, guy to you. Sorry. I love you are the words i want to say to you first thing in the morning everyday. Personally, i love to express my love. I don't care whether its in the public or where, i will do what i want, cause i love you. Please accept me for who i am. You said i was hot tempered, and i changed, you told me not to text you multiple times if you're not replying and i did. sometimes, its not that im being annoying, I'm worried, that's all. Especially when you're on the road, Do you know how worried I am everytime you ride? I'm not saying that you're a lousy rider but things or accidents can happen to anyone, even professionals. Yes, i know i always post up only my sadness on the blog. This happens because this is the only place i can express my feeling of sadness. 24th of May, 1st of June, 7th of June, are the days i will not forget till i'm gone. You may think that I'm treating these " I Love You" 3 words commonly by saying it to you all the time? Do you know the reason behind it? I say "I Love You" to you all the time because I'm a rider myself, I don't know when i will die of traffic accidents. Maybe one day, i would ended up beneath a truck or lorries? Maybe one day i would crashed into a speeding car and suffer immediate death? We don't know when and where will these things happen to us. I don't want to feel regret even when i'm dead, even if i die, i still want you to know that I LOVE YOU Xl. You may think that I'm just a cry baby, who cries whenever things happened. You may think I'm a coward who's afraid to accept the truth of life. But I'm just a sensitive guy, that's all. I've done many unimaginable sins last year, i regretted. I'm trying my very best to make up my mistakes this year. Starting with my studies, moral and love. Not because I'm scared i would be punished cruelly in hell but to purify my soul so i can live a better life. I want to bring happiness to you that you've lost. I'm the first guy who made you feel love again, and i hope you can give me this precious opportunity to make up all the mistakes that your ex-es did. I just want to love you. I may undergo an operation soon, which horrifies me. I will have my lower jaw sawed as its growing out of control, I don't want to do the operation, i don't want to take this risks! I may die, i may be scar for life, my face could be worst than ever, i may lose my ability of consuming food or even worst, my whole jaw. But it's not sure yet, i might just have braces instead. Every moment, in my lief since April 10th, I've never stop thinking about you. Not even for a second. You physics and Biology aren't your strongest subjects, I wanted to help you. I can teach you, I've already kept notes i collected from my teachers and my tuition centers. I hope that will help you. I can even teach you face to face if you don't mind. I'm always there for you. Anytime, almost anywhere, any moment. I love you Xl, I've never loved a woman as much as i love you. I hope you could do the same thing back for me. Together, to the infinity and beyond, eternity love. I love you Xl.


Love,
Yangjie.

I wanna be your boyfriend!

She said she doesnt like couple life as she will feel she's under control and will lose her freedom. But i said no! If i was your boy friend, you will still be able to do the things you like to do! You still can go out with your friends! Male or female i dont mind, aslong as you never cross the limit of cheating then im perfectly fine with everything! You still can choose not to meet me, you still can choose not to reply my message, not to say i dont mind but i will say, i Understand! Im a very understanding person, aslong you're telling me the truth, i can accept everything! literally everything! Trust me Xl, being together will only bring us Happiness, not arguments that you've expected! I promise that i will not break my promise i made. If one day i break my promise, i will FAIL my SPM! My legs will be broken in road accidents! I dare to make these promises because im sure i wont break my promises! This is the real truth! I want you readers to be the witnesses of this. God, you shall be one too! Punish me if i cant fulfill my promises. Even death.

Love for Xl,

Yang.

Sorry.

Sorry Xl. I didn't mean to make you mad. You said you aren't a good girl but i deny that! You're not good, you're great! I'm the bad one, I should have just be more patient, more loose and relax. I shouldn't be so stupid trying to control you in every way. I just want to protect you, please don't misunderstood that. I know you've seen countless of bad examples of couples. Most of them collapsed in the end, but I promise you we will not be like them! I may not be handsome or rich, but i have a heart that belongs to you, sticks to you. I love you! You may prefer your single lifestyle, but i can tell that you're lying! Your sabotaging friends is the problem. Their opinion is affecting our growing relationship, is that fair? They're not the one im interested in, Im interested in you only. Yesterday, i was happy seeing that you enjoyed the party, but everything changed after you left. I felt pointless or can say i lost my direction i lost my purpose of existence without you. I'm really sorry about last night, I'm sorry that i made you felt uncomfortable last night, im sorry i made you felt awkward last night, im sorry for being so useless! but i was just expressing my love to you, please don't hate me alright? i know we had fights during afternoon just now, Im sorry. I shouldn't accuse you for thing you did not do. I shouldn't judge you without investigations. I shouldn't scold you out loud on the phone, sorry Xl, but i lost my mind cause i was REALLY hungry and i was having a serious headache! please understand that alright? I was drunk, i was stupid, i was an idiot, i was hot tempered. Im sorry! but i really really really really love you! Please do not hate me, please do not lose your feelings on me will ya? I will try my best to make up my mistakes. I will! So please don't angry already ok? I love you Xl! i really do. Shall stop here.

love and regret,

Yang.